Director aims to create “woke” version of ’90s horror cult classic
Last month Universal Pictures approved a record-breaking budget of $250 million to reboot the Leprechaun movie franchise, making it one of the most expensive reboots in horror film history.
Hollywood’s hottest director, Mr. Jordan Peele, will direct the iconic cryptid-inspired film.
Peele, a very articulate and socially aware filmmaker, shared his first thoughts with the press earlier this week:
“I felt that it was time to build a rainbow bridge that connects with the Irish community. Someone needed to reach out and help tell their story in a creative way. I am that someone. I want to be a four-leaf clover of hope… and give them an opportunity to make cinematic history.”
“If your idea of Irish culture revolves around stealing cereal from a helpless cartoon leprechaun, then you’re not doing it right. You’re not doing it right and you’re part of the problem.
Sure, Lucky Charms are delicious — even addictive at times. But Irish history goes deeper than that. I would even say there’s a hidden history between the Irish and black communities that we weren’t taught in school. And that’s the theme I’ll explore in this film.”
Industry insiders say the new story will be loosely based on true accounts of the Crichton Leprechaun — an alleged mass sighting of a leprechaun in Mobile, Alabama in 2006. The focus will be on a magical leprechaun flute owned by a member of the black community in Crichton. He claims that this flute has been in his family for thousands of years, given to him by his Irish ancestor.
This is likely the hidden history Jordan alluded to earlier during the press conference.
The flute is purported to have occult powers that, if in the wrong hands, would allow the possessor to attain global domination. Some suggest the magical flute is comparable to an Infinity Stone — one of the more popular elements found in the Marvel Comics Universe. Currently, it’s assumed the bond between Irish and black communities stems from their roles as stewards of mankind, acting in unison to prevent demonic leprechaun forces from taking over the world.
You can learn more about the Crichton Leprechaun sighting in the following news clip (this part is not exactly satire):
When Warwick Davis, the actor who portrayed the original leprechaun, was asked about his involvement in Peele’s film, he expressed resentment:
“I wasn’t even told about it. No phone call. No email. Nothing. This is my first time hearing about the movie. But if Mr. Peele wants to make a living stealing me work, then the wanker’s got small shoes to fill. I’m more of a Willow guy anyway.”
However, there are hints of Jennifer Aniston making a cameo, reprising her role as Tory Reding, the feisty but sexy character from the original 1993 Leprechaun production.
CIA Special Activities Division official, Oswald Khan, supports Peele and his groundbreaking work.
“He has our full support. Honestly, he’s doing us a great favor in the political realm. We benefit from his marvelous talents. Greatly so.”
Khan, who specializes in psychological warfare, later clarified his remarks:
“If a pack of wild dogs is chasing you, throw it a meaty bone. They’ll fight over it for days. The bone is a distraction. It gives you a chance to evade the spotlight. We like Jordan because he makes that bone irresistible to the masses. So, while they’re fighting with each other, us higher-ups in government have more time to plan the next chess move.”
Going back to the art of film and writing, Khan added, “Robert Heinlein had a character that would “grok” people. Stranger in a Strange Land. Back then, grokking was the word. Today, it’s “woke.” Jordan knows how to woke people through cinematic artistry and his unique writing… Woking is an effective mental device. It gives the illusion that you’re progressing, but in reality, you haven’t moved a single inch. It’s the type of psychological tool we look for in movies, a tactical advantage. The film also provides employment. And it brings in tax revenue. It’s a win-win for Hollywood and politics.”
Other projects Jordan Peele is working on include a Candyman remake, starring Yahya Abdul-Mateen II, and a highly anticipated reboot of The Twilight Zone.
He also has plans to discuss a socially conscious remake of The Meteor Man, illustrating the importance of urban responsibility when one is granted superpowers.
Robert Townsend (director of Meteor Man) is anticipated to begin his talks with Peele in the near future.
UPDATE: Sources say Tony Todd ‘absolutely’ hurt for not being asked to reprise his famous role in Jordan Peele’s Candyman.
(This story is satire)