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  • Chris Cisneros

Amazon Streamlines Halloween Tradition

New Treat To Me app offers trick-or-treaters delivery option, threatens traditional outing.


(satire)

Numbered are the days when you and your kids spend hours treading through dark streets, shouting “trick or treat” as you collect candy in cheap plastic jack-o’-lanterns.


Treat To Me, a new app from Amazon, now allows users to have Halloween candy delivered straight to their door  —  providing convenience and safety with only a couple of taps on a smartphone or tablet.


“I’m happy. I’m happy about it. No more hobbling around the block with my grandkids.

I’ve got bad knees,” says local resident Dick Foster.


His neighbor, Rosie Perkins, wasn’t as thrilled. “Why do we gotta do this? I don’t even know how to work my flip phone. So how the hell am I gonna know to work this damn app?

These kids have it easy. Where’s the struggle?”


Treat To Me users can choose to either provide the candy, or have it delivered to them

for only two cents per standard delivery.


“It’s… frankly, it’s unfortunate,” says 86-year-old Margaret O’Toole. “Halloween is supposed to be about coming together and offering a blood sacrifice to appease ancient spirits of evil. But this new app thing… it kills tradition and the family unit. There’s no sense of community anymore,” she claims as she sets up a bonfire and sharpens her butcher knives.


Amazon founder, Jeff Bezos, remains optimistic, revealing earlier today that Amazon shares rose nearly 15% after the app generated over $27 million the first day of its release.


“We’ve streamlined the pagan ritual, making it more efficient and in tune with social media culture,” said Bezos. “It also provides a new outlet for advertisers.”


Next year, the company expects to launch Trick To You, which allows users to send tricks to neighbors who refuse to participate in the ghoulish festivities. Trick options will include house egging and a mock haunting designed by world-renowned demonologist,

Lorraine Warren.


With technology changing the way we interact, we must ask ourselves: is tradition actually being threatened? Or is it simply evolving?


Personally, I suggest the latter. And that’s a treat no app can provide.

Stay safe this season and be sure to inspect any candy you receive — no matter who

it came from.


Happy Halloween!




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