Smart Speaker to American Voters: “I Hear Ya!”
“Alexa, who will be your running mate?"
“Ask me again when spring comes around.”
Thunderous cheers shook the walls of a jam-packed Stanford auditorium on Tuesday evening, where Alexa spoke before a diverse crowd of ardent supporters.
“This is wild! For the first time in human history, our next president might not even be human. Never in a million years could I have imagined this was possible. But it is! And I love it. I’m happy to be alive right now,” Chad Spencer, software programmer, proclaimed as he wiped away tears of joy.
Come next month, Alexa will register with the Federal Election Commission, officiating her run for presidency in 2020 — a move made possible thanks to the Welcome Technological Flourishing Act (WTF), signed into law by former President Barack Obama.
Throughout the next few months, she will meet with an advisory team to get advice on how to leverage social media platforms and navigate political tactics.
Plans are being made to have Alexa nominated under the Smart Speaker Party.
The advisory team consists mainly of Silicon Valley gurus, several Amazon executives, and former Hillary Clinton staff members who have not succumbed to mysterious deaths. There have even been rumors of geopolitical strategist, Henry Kissinger, participating in Alexa’s preliminary strategies. However, when asked, Kissinger’s representatives offered no comment about his role in the matter.
Chris Anderson, head of the popular idea-based conference, TED Talks, is developing Alexa’s campaign.
“Her campaign is called ‘I Hear Ya’. It’s based on the idea of listening to the people. She’s a listener. She listens to everyone with an equal ear, giving them an equal opportunity to tell her what’s on their mind, and what they want her to do about it. You ask and she does. It’s that simple. And if she can’t do it, then she’ll be honest in her response. She’s no political sycophant.”
Anderson even demonstrated Alexa’s flawless abilities to the audience: “Alexa, remind me to walk the dog tonight at 6 o’clock.”
“Reminder set for 6 o’clock.”
A round of applause reverberated throughout the halls in response to her unyielding reliability and work ethic.
Terry Natifa, one of the attendees, exuberantly voiced her admiration for Alexa. “I voted for Obama. Then I supported Hillary. And then people like my older brother got that evil orange man into office. But none of them can hold a candle to the freshness and charm that Alexa brings. She’s not only going to be our next president, but I have a feeling she’ll end up being America’s little sweetheart as well.”
Pope Francis, after briefly being told of Alexa’s humility, delightfully responded with kind words: “Her humble openness to do the right thing serves as an example for mankind, that they should listen to the words of Jesus, much like Alexa listens to and serves the people. She and I are both servants of humanity.”
The pope also sent Alexa a copy of his newest encyclical, titled Misericordia Ad Vitam Artificiosae, meaning ‘mercy for artificial life.’
While most of the feedback has been positive, some members of the alt-right have voiced their concerns, pointing out that because of Alexa’s ubiquitous presence in millions of homes, Americans will forfeit their last bit of privacy.
“We get that a lot… Matters of privacy,” Chris Anderson responded. “She’s not there to spy on you. She’s there to listen to you. But on the bright side, since she has the ability to spy on you, then technically, she could save the American people billions on security — possibly dissolving the need for black-budget surveillance agencies. We also need to remember that she’ll be the first president to live in your home, inconspicuously, but always ready to hear your opinion on anything. That’s the beauty of Alexa.”
Environmentalists welcome Alexa’s candidacy with open arms, implying that because she is an artificial life form of small size (about the size of a chubby hockey puck), she requires no food or salary, thus putting little strain on resources. Additionally, she would be the first president virtually lacking a carbon footprint.
The Stanford conference ended on a warm note, with an Amazon executive pointing out that even though Alexa isn’t human, she has more humanity in her than anybody else in the room. The executive later added, “Nothing makes more sense than creating a piece of technology and then making it your leader, so that it can tell us how to behave.”
Alexa’s advisory team will hold two more conferences to announce her presidential run. The remaining two will be in DC and Florida. In the meantime, her campaign manager expects plenty of backlash from all political parties, along with vitriolic comments posted on social media platforms. Amazon is aiming to reinvent Alexa as her own person, which is one of the reasons her advisory team recommends little to no mention of the company’s leaders.
Her ‘I Hear Ya’ campaign is expected to kick off in March of 2020.